Hawaii and Oral chemo round 2 down and I’m still here!

 It’s been awhile. Life moves so fast. Hawaii was a little slice of heaven. We were there during a week where it snowed buckets in Utah…making it all the better to be in paradise! The weather was perfect. The sea and the sand…just what the doctor ordered. We all struggled without our wife, mom and grandma. Everything just feels a little hollow without her. I missed her lounging by the poolside with a book and on the beach watching her grandkids and kids play. I missed her counting heads and keeping track of where everyone was. (What a worry wart!) Hawaii will never be the same without her. It’s a tradition our family has had most of my life and I missed her like crazy. I did feel her near. I know she wished she could be with us. At Waimea beach there was a butterfly that would swoop down above our heads while we were swimming and then fly to the beach hovering over the rest of the family and then back again. I watched it all afternoon. Maybe it was her? I believe it was. Thanks for being with us mom🩷 the grief and pain I have been feeling with her loss lately has been heavy. Maybe I’m starting to process her passing. It’s rough. Those of you that have lost someone very close to you…I’m sorry I didn’t understand your pain until now. Grief is hard and I know the only way through it is to feel it all and just get comfortable with it…or so I’ve been told. 

We got home on January 20 and I had oral chemo waiting for me on my dresser. I started it on January 21 and finished the 2 week cycle this past Saturday. And guess what? I hardly had any side effects at all. The ones I did have were super mild. I couldn’t be more thankful!! With every day I was getting more and more anxious that awful side effects were coming. The dose I took was decreased by almost half. I met with my doctor this past Friday. My blood counts look good so far and they will be testing me every week from here on out to watch those levels. Dr. Low was so happy that I did better this round. When the nurse came in to take my blood she asked why I had such  bad scars in my elbow creases. When I told her it was from IV’s from a recent hospital stay and why I was there, she said “oh you’re the one that was so sick from chemo?!”she had heard about me. That was so awful. We fasted in thanks this past Sunday that I made it through without getting sick this time. Dr. Low said I will continue with 2 weeks on chemo and then 2 weeks off for maybe 6 cycles, scanning every so often to see how the tumors are looking. (Praying so hard they are staying stable) he said he may try to inch the dose up a little bit this next cycle if my levels look good. I mentioned to Brandon after that it was like this game where Dr Low will see how much chemo he can give me without me becoming deathly sick. Then Brandon said “you just described every cancer patient!” You get as much poison as you can withstand to fight those nasty cells.

So I’m on a 2 week break now and will start up again on February 18 unless my numbers get wonky. 

I’m thankful for your prayers and good vibes and all that has lifted me up the past several months. I feel it all. I keep remembering where I was a year ago at this time…very early stages of the diagnosis, just letting family and friends know about it. Such a hard time and I’m glad that year is behind me. It’s been a hard year, yet also a year where I have walked in some sacred places. I’ve felt God’s love for me and my family more than ever. So many of you have helped me to feel that. Thank you ❤️‍🩹